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When I started blogging close to two years ago, I came with certain expectations. I hoped I would pull in a lot of followers and thought I'd be able to keep them here for a long time. I wanted . . . I dunno, my own little community. It wasn't really about the popularity or anything, but rather about getting a group of like-minded people together, forming friendships, that sort of thing.
Fast-forward to today. Things have changed. I'm lucky if I get more than two or three comments on a regular post. Views have dropped dramatically. I understand this is most likely more my fault than anyone else's. After all, it is I that fell behind on responding to comments, and it is I that hasn't made more of an effort to comment on other people's blogs.
One of my love languages is words. Again, understand that this isn't me begging for encouragement, but believe me when I say that it's gotten hard for me to get less reactions to the things I write about. I feel like my energy is being depleted, like a rechargeable battery that loses its ability to hold that charge over time. It's made it hard for me to want to blog. Having a blog used to be fun, but now it's become monotonous.
A routine.
A deadline.
A chore.
I think it's beginning to show more and more. Maybe it's appeared in how I've written my blog posts, or in how I haven't started plotting out the choose your own adventure series, or even in how much time it's taken me to actually write up some of my latest entries. Seriously, it took me all of Monday evening just to do that Music Monday Awards results post.
I've talked about time recently, where I mentioned that our problem is not that we don't have enough time, but rather that we're mismanaging it. Trust me, I've done a lot of mismanagement over the years, and I'm trying to get better at it. But when I sit down to write something for my blog, I feel like I'm losing time--time that could be better spent actually writing Shattered. After all, why invest in something if there's going to be little to no return?
Even Twitter hasn't helped in that regard. I figured that, if I shared my posts there, I could breath some new life into this dying space of the internet. Nay, all I have gained from linking my posts on Twitter is a couple new followers--which I really appreciate, by the way; I'm not trying to downplay that--and some higher view counts. The interaction, or lack thereof, is the same.
Like I said before, this is more of a "me" problem than anything else, but that doesn't really help a whole lot. My life right now feels like it's stuck of in a state of dissatisfaction and unease. I have so many questions, such as where I should work and if I should go do more secondary education and how I should reach my dreams, but so few answers. It's as though I'm drifting aimlessly in an endless void. I try to paddle, but my efforts are futile.
I feel lost.
I feel alone.
And it hurts.
On top of all that, it's like my brain tells me that I can't legitimately think about that stuff when I haven't even gotten the simpler aspects of my life in order, like organizing my room or filing receipts. Then I say I want to do that stuff, and the harder I try to force myself to do those things, the less I actually want to do them. It's a paradox, or like a car spinning its tires in the snow.
Put all these issues together, and what do you get? Confusion. That's probably the simplest way to put it. I'm confused, and I need clarity. I feel isolated, and I crave companionship. I am trapped, and I need to break free.
This is not me saying that I'm going to quit blogging. No, I hope that things will look up soon, but I am going to need to do my part. It's just a matter of . . . figuring my life out. It's not an easy thing to do, but I'm trying.
I apologize if you were looking forward to me being upbeat or cheerful, and instead got this downer of a post. As I mentioned, I'm not saying this to garner pity or anything. I just felt that it was fair for you guys to get a glimpse of what's going on in my life at the moment. It's hard to balance between being honest and being showy for sympathy. I hope I did all right. Any thoughts and prayers, especially for wisdom, would be much appreciated.
Until next time . . .
I totally get the struggle. I've had my blog for six years and I'm JUST NOW starting to see it grow how I want it, too. It's a lot of hard work. And you sound very extroverted, which makes it all the harder. Words and people are equally important for extroverted writers. They don't just write for themselves, but they write for people ... it's not that you're looking for acceptance or anything, but that you have a calling to reach out and love others. It's hard not seeing your work pay off. But keep at it, is all I have to say. As for everything else, it's the same. I have this thing I remind myself, "Little habits achieved are big goals made possible." Basically, and you already know this, it's the daily things every day that add up. Just focus on one moment at a time, because that's what matters. But even if you only have one successful moment on any given day, that's still a step toward where you want to go, and eventually, those moments will build up into longer moments. This isn't a process of addition, but multiplication, so that should give some hope. When I "forced" myself to get serious about writing it was just joining the GTW 100 for 100. THAT WAS HARD. Now, I write for hours every day and it's a breeze. Give yourself one day a week to focus on your room ... don't try to overwhelm yourself and do it all at once, but focus on a section. If you have time do another section ... or if you don't feel like it, wait until next week. But yeah, it's all about building that strength inside of yourself to be able to face the little things, because that's how we're able to someday do the big things.
ReplyDeleteEven so ... my goals are so much bigger than where I'm at now. I'm still trying to figure out how to better manage my time and not waste any of it. It's an ongoing struggle, but I have hope that I can succeed. And I'm sure you can, too :)
keturahskorner.blogspot.com
Hope you start to feel better soon. Praying for you man! - June
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were genuine, it's better than just putting on a happy face when you're breaking inside. Praying!
ReplyDeleteAlso you should totally still do the choose your own adventure! I absolutely love that kind of story!
THIS. YES. Never apologize for being genuine! It's admirable, and we're your friends. You should never feel obligated to put on a happy face for us. ^_^
DeleteSame! Choose your own adventures is so fun!
Blogging can definitely be a struggle. I went from blogging faithfully twice a week to maybe twice a month a while back because of many of the same reasons you listed here. It's hard to change, to allow yourself to change, in such a public way, I think. But, now that I've eased out of the routine a little bit, I can honestly say I'm enjoying sharing some of my opinions online again.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I know I don't comment often, but I do drop by from time to time. You'd be surprised how putting your thoughts out there can genuinely affect people.
Praying for your encouragement.
Ah man, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I totally understand. I've had my blog for EIGHT YEARS. I feel like I should have hundreds of followers by now, but I'm struggling to reach even 200. I'll go to other blogs who have only been around for a couple of years and they have double the amount of followers than me and are constantly racking in new ones. I really don't know the secret to bringing in more people...
ReplyDeleteI'm bad about not going and seeking out new blogs and commenting on them, and that probably helps. I have certain friends' blogs I always comment on, but that's about it. So maybe being more involved in the community would help? I don't know. It just takes so much TIME. *collapses* I feel like I spend waaaay more time with blogging/social media than actually working on, ya know, my writing. So even though I know I need to do MORE as far as bringing in new followers, I also feel like I should do LESS so I can work on my novels. You'd think after eight years of blogging I'd know what I'm doing buuut I do not. XD
And I know this is not encouraging at all. Whoops. I just want you to know you're not alone with these feelings. Blogging soooo often feels like a chore and obligation to me too. I do love it, but sometimes it can get really tiring. Breaks always help me. I find if I don't blog for a while, I actually miss it. So if you ever need to take a hiatus to re-prioritize, don't feel guilty about that! Breaks are important.
I guess it's a matter of taking one day at a time, looking at our priorities, taking small steps like Keturah said, and also being kind to ourselves. And of course praying. Which I will definitely be doing! God absolutely cares about your writing and YOU; He has something amazing for you. I know it's so, so hard during these days of waiting and not knowing the future. Goodness is it hard. But it's always worth it in the end. Keep seeking Him, take small steps, and PLEASE don't give up on your dreams. He cares about them so, so much.
Be cautious of doing something for a result. After long enough, you will know disappointment. It's like holding the door open for someone out of generosity but being upset because they didn't say thank-you. True generosity is freely given, without expectation of receiving anything in return.
ReplyDelete