Video Game Life Lessons

When I wanted to start this blog, I had several ideas for posts or post series that I could make. One of them was the Video Game Life Lessons series, where I'd examine video games and comment on some of their illogical or funny aspects and elements in the form of . . . well, life lessons. But I never got around to doing that.

Now that my blog is essentially a year and a half old, I figured I might as well start now. This will be a bit more of a sporadic series (like my Quote Quota posts), as it requires more time to think of these things. I also don't know how long this post will be; it'll depend on how many I can come up with. Enough chit-chat, though! I hope you're all ready to be educated.

If you ever find yourself in the vast expanse of space without a proper suit, helmet, and oxygen tank, fret not! You'll breath just fine and live to tell the tale. But as soon you go underwater, you better be watching that air supply, sonny.

-both Super Mario Galaxy games

source

Wanting to do some extreme parkour jump off buildings potentially dozens of stories tall? You can, because as long as you make sure you land in a pile of hay, you'll survive.

-any Assassin's Creed game (at least, the older ones)

You might be in the small percentage of the population that can transform into a sacred wolf, and if you are, congrats! You can leap across gaps that would be impossible for the average person to jump. Or you may not be able to. It all depends on how that imp on your back is feeling and if it's convenient to the story or puzzle.

-The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Start treating your pockets better, for they can hold far more items than logic and universal rules would normally allow.

-basically any Animal Crossing or The Legend of Zelda game (along with countless others)

The same goes for your stomach. It's like an endless void of whatever you choose to inhale.

-any Kirby game

If you say something and the person you're talking to doesn't respond, they didn't hear you, even if you heard yourself.

-Club Penguin (except it's just text chatting, not actual voice chatting; thought I'd clarify at the risk of ruining the joke)

You have no need for arms provided you've got good-looking legs.

-Undertale

One hundred people can somehow all fit on a bus that appears to be the same size as a regular school bus. Said bus can also fly with the use of a single hot air balloon.

-Fortnite

Squids die the instant they touch water. So do kids, for that matter.

-Splatoon

When you're living in medieval times, and it's time to battle the enemy, you have to remember what armor to wear. If you're male, you have to go big and bulky; the more armor, the better. On the other hand, if you're female, you can enter the battlefield virtually naked and you'll be a-okay.

-any standard fantasy game ever made

Capturing a wild animal and somehow stuffing them inside a little ball will make you two friends. You can even use the animal to go fight other people who do the same thing.

-any Pokemon game

If it has cat ears, cat eyes, and at least two cat-like teeth, it's not a cat, it's Niko. Stop calling him a cat.

-OneShot

source

In a similar vein, all it takes for you to legally become a bird is to get a bird passport. Because birds have passports. It's 2019, people!

-A Hat in Time

If you can see it, you can probably climb it.

-The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

One of the only ways to identify between a human and an android is by a little round light thing on the side of their head. It can be easily removed, so if it is, you're out of luck.

-Detroit: Become Human

When one is shot out of a barrel cannon, not only does that itself not hurt you, but you can also smash through virtually anything--from pirates ships to stone statues--and you'll walk away without even a scratch.

-any Donkey Kong game (at least, the latest two)

Be wary if you become a security guard at a pizzeria and take the night shifts. You'll have to constantly keep an eye on the power levels, because there are no backup generators or any contingencies in place should the power go out.

-any Five Nights at Freddy's game

Most creatures are too dumb to learn how to open your house doors. Their brain functions higher on the night of the blood moon, but that's about it.

-Terraria

Bees will go only for your face, and if they sting you, it's a non-issue. Just take some medicine or go to bed and you'll be back to normal.

-any Animal Crossing game

Don't look the creepy monster in the face!

-many horror games (e.g. Slender: The Eight Pages)

Or maybe you should . . .

-many other horror games (e.g. Spooky's Jump Scare Mansion)

Should you find yourself being pursued through the halls of your school by your principal, there's no need to worry! All you need is a can of pop and you can send him flying in the other direction.

-Baldi's Basics in Education and Learning

In order to be a great defense attorney, all you need is to have great anime hair, be able to point at the prosecutor in a dramatic fashion, and yell, "OBJECTION!"

-any Ace Attorney game

source

That's all for today! I hope you were mildly entertained. Lemme know if you want this to become another sporadic series or not.