And Thus Dies a Beloved Series /// Humble Beginnings, Part 14

Yes, this day is both one of hilarity and despair. On July 14th of last year, we embarked on a journey of sarcasm and laughter, where I commentated on my oldest novel I've written. That post--the fifth one on my blog--is still at fourth place for most views. All good things must come to an end, though, and that's the case for the Humble Beginnings series. Prepare yourself for one last leg of our travel, and try not to cry too much.

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As if in response to the knight's statement, a series of cracks sounded. Chaos broke loose when the crew began shouting questions on what to do and the rookies started to get frightened.

"Calm yourselves NOW," the quartermaster hollered above the racket and instantly silence blanketed the people.

Oh my gosh, this crew is just the worst. First, they all abandon their posts, even if it is to pray, and when they're being run aground, they act like a bunch of headless chickens. Unbelievable. The quartermaster really shouldn't have to tell 'em to shut up.

Suddenly, a massive collage of icy spikes nailed the Thunder Cannon's bow. The fighters were jostled to the deck. Then, all was still. Isaac picked himself up and declared, "We've landed on Zracs, so we need to disembark and make our way to the wraithclaws' castle."

Ooh, that's a very cool opening sentence for the paragraph. I'll have to remember that. Also, is it just me, or is it very abrupt to be all, "Well, we're here, let's be on our way, we don't need to check if anyone's hurt or if the ship's a total wreck, nosiree"?

The gangplank was lowered and the miniature army stepped off the warship. Isaac gazed at it and queried, "Quartermaster Goliath, do you think we'll be able to sail this thing when our mission is complete?"

"It'll take a miracle, sir," answered Goliath. "We would have to push the boat off the shore and then fix it before it sank."

"Hmm," Isaac murmured, tapping his chin. "Sounds difficult." 

Clearly I didn't know anything about how sailors would beach their boats to clean or fix them. And while Isaac is interested in the ship's welfare, he should also be asking his men how they are. It might endear us to him a little more. On top of all that, why is the quartermaster only getting a name now? I feel like it should've happened in the last chapter.

They started the trek across the snowy landscape, their boots crunching. Wind nipped them, although it didn't have much affect, thanks to their cozy get-up.

The wind should nip at them, and it wouldn't have much effect. You're welcome.

The surrounding are was beutiful, complete with rolling hills and little caves here and there. Fir trees that had dazzling blue pines stood at various places like watchful sentinels. Creeping scarlet lichen stretched out on the ground and the side of rocks that seemed to resemble sculptures. An iced pond made itself visible occasionally. Snowflakes swirled gently, dancing to an unheard tune. "It's like an orchestra," Mark thought, "with Detrius as the conductor."

There's a few things I'll note here. Like how I forgot the a in beautiful. Or how my description of landscapes still sucked, but has a few details I want to remember for later. And can I just mention how we've had one whole page with no proper POV? We've seriously been a floating camera until we randomly attached to Mark. Unbelievable.

Michelle wandered to Marks side and smiled at him. He did the same to her, thinking she looked cute in her outfit.

"Isn't this place wonderful?" she questioned.

"Yeah. It could be warmer, but it's nice," Mark said. "Kind of . . . romantic, in a way."

Not gonna lie, I've sometimes thought girls in snow gear are cute, so I still agree with younger me's sentiment. But Mark could really work on his subtlety.

"No wonder the wraithclaws like it here. They're romance fanatics, if you know what I mean," added Michelle.

He nodded. "Sure thing." His hand was abruptly held, and he looked to see that Michelle had acted. Now he beamed and gripped her tighter.

*raises hand* I still don't know what you mean. What cause someone to fall under the classification of romance fanatic, and what does it all entail? Please elaborate for our sakes, because I surely can't be the only one who doesn't get it.

Half an hour later, the group reached a vast stretch of terrain that was non descript and had knee-deep snow. "The Barren Lands," Isaac said. "The worst place in the world to be in the middle of a storm. Those who have gone before us learned that the hard way."

"Obviously," Goliath interrupted, "a few made it, since our relationship with the wraithclaw has been dented."

"Fortunately, we have come with better preparations," Isaac continued. "Sewn inside our clothes are bits of dried and crushed fire blossams. So now, instead of creating flames, they provide an efficient heat to keep us toasty warm."

"Will they be hot enough to preserve us in a blizzard?" David wanted to know.

Goliath gave a grimace. "That is something only Detrius will be able to truly do."

Wow! Right off the bat, we're hit with a boatload of exposition. Then the plural for the tribe changes from wraithclaws to wraithclaw, blossoms is spelled incorrectly, and the fire blossoms are once again used as a deus ex machina, albeit a not-completely effective one.

The situation turned bleaker when the rushing stream of air became a torrent. Visibility was low, bad enough that one couldn't see very far ahead. Shouting had to be used in order for others to hear.

Virtually this entire paragraph is a prime example of my bad writing back in the day.

Michelle staggered to Mark, shivering harshly. "So . . . cold," she could barely manage to say.

Mark whirled in time to watch her eyes roll upward. She fell on her back in the growing snowdrifts. "Michelle!" he yelled, ripping his mitten off and almost numbing his hand in an instant. He felt for her pulse and was relieved to find it. He put the mitten back on and, unsure what else to do, lifted Michelle up gingerly.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but Michelle shouldn't really be passing out right now. Aren't you in more danger if you begin to feel warm again and then go unconscious? I don't think Mark would've really needed to almost freeze his hand in order to see if she's alive.

David and Taylor had heard his voice and went to its source. Taylor, upon catching sight of Mark, called, "What love won't do for a friend, eh, Mark?"

"'Course," said David, "you're used to carrying a woman while this chilly precipitation falls. I mean, you live in Canada."

Mark laughed. "You Americans think that Canada is a big, frozen, artic wasteland, and that's not true. Do you also assume we live in igloos and dress like Eskimoes?"

Lemme get this straight: Michelle is (supposedly) in danger, and David and Taylor are cracking jokes about it? Not seeing if she's okay? Is it a requirement for all characters to be unlikable at some point in this story? And jokes about Canadian weather really aren't that funny most of the time, for your information. They're just so overused.

"We need to stay together," commanded Isaac loudly. "Hey, where's Goliath?"

"Right here, sir. And I just found a cave for us to stay in until this weather passes."

"Perfect. Lead us on, quartermaster."

Oh, how convenient. A nice cave to die in, because they actually have no idea how long the storm is going to stick around. It could be days, and with their food supplies still on the ship, they'd die from the cold and/or starvation.

General Thorskov and his squad of wraithclaws were not having a successful hint.

"This weather is driving away the snow sparrows and flethry serpents," one said.

"Not to mention the boars and the elks," another complained.

Thorskov scratched his back. "I should'a known that a blasted storm would meddle with our huntin' plans."

"None o' us saw this coming," a soldier stated/

Okay, but you guys have lived here for who-knows how long. Shouldn't you understand the weather patterns a little better?

The sound of padding feet carried to the team. "Humans," the lieutenant cried excitedly as he raced into the cave's far room. "They're 'eaded here."

"How many, Quh?" Thorskov demanded.

"Dozens, all armed," Quh said. "And sire, I saw one young man holdin' a sweet looking girl in 'is arms."

The general's already soft heart somehow was able to soften more. "Get the goats and carts; we're going to take them to the emperor's palace. We never get guests anymore, so he'll be pleased, no doubt."

Some of the wraithclaw hunters/foot soldiers left with the lieutenant, while the others awaited the humans. "If they're friendly, they'll be blessed with hospitality. If not . . ." Thorskov let his thought hang.

But . . . but what about those who aren't the Chosen Ones hardening the wraithclaws' hearts toward humans? This seems like a contradiction! Wouldn't they be more likely to take them to the emperor as prisoners? Don't tell me it's just because Mark was carrying Michelle.

A curtain of fur abruptly emerged from a tunnel in the cave, and David hit it solidly as he was walking.

"Sorry lad, didn't see ya there," a voice apologized. 

David gaped up at the mountain of white fuzz that towered over him. It was humanoid and brawny, complete with wide hands and feet and sausage digits. It had iron gray talons that were three inches long, and its large, round, only black eyes probed David.

"I'm guessing you're either a wraithclaw or a yeti. Probably not the latter," David speculated.

The wraithclaw laughed. "Well met, sir! I'm General Thorskov." 

This is a pretty uncreative design for the wraithclaws. They might as well be your standard yetis. And I'm not sure if it would've been a better introduction to them if they only appeared now, instead of having their own little scene.

"General," Isaac greeted, "so nice to see you again. How's your wife these days?"

"'ello, cap'n," Thorskov said warmly. "My bride's fine, just fine. How's your ship?"

"The Thunder Cannon was accidently grounded on the shore. It took some damage in a fight with one of the drucoes' serpents."

"WHAT?! The weasles are playin' on our territory? Not on my watch, they're not."

David cleared his throat. "What exactly are they?"

Forget that! I want to know how the blazes Isaac and Thorskov know each other and happened to meet on this very important journey.

"Vicous half-man, half-squid things with terrible breath to boot," Thorskov replied. "Worse yet, they ate emotions, 'cept the bad ones. And love is on the top of the list. They don't even marry. Their brains must be a scrambled mess." He frowned disapprovingly.

Stop dumping info on other races and give us stuff that's actually important for this point in the story!

"Interesting," said David. "And how, might I ask, do you two know each other?"

Personally, I would've asked this question before the whole druco thing, but whatever. At least it's being asked.

"First, my men need to give you some comforts." Thorskov whirled around and boomed, "Alright, ya blokes, these people deserve the wool blankets. Bring 'em all out."

More wraithclaws like Thorskov came bearing the blankets and passing them to everybody. All of the creatures were apparently about seven feet tall, giving them a presence of fierceness, yet protection. They seemed friendly, exhibiting heartfelt concern for Isaac, his crew of knights, and the Chosen Ones.

Well, at least Thorskov's got his priorities straight, but I still feel like there's an inconsistency here. Are the wraithclaws antagonistic against the humans, or are they not? Is it just this squad that's friendly? I need more context, people!

After personally making sure everyone was comfortable, Thorskov sat next to David. "The way Isaac and I met was during the first trip to Zracs. He and his men 'ad just landed when large flethry serpents attacked them. Me and my huntin' group happened to be walking by when we 'eard the commotion. We found 'em with ease and helped end the skirmish, but not before a few of the fellows were bitten in vital areas. They died just a couple o' minutes than we could've given aid.

"Isaac closed his eyes in grief for just several seconds, and no one but I noticed the boar that was stealthily comin' at the cap'n. They can be quite sneaky creatures, those boars. Anywho, I grabbed a decently sized rock and chucked it at the things 'ead. Well, that boar crumpled to the ground as fast as lightnin'. That's when Isaac opened his eyeballs and thanked me so much, I thought he was going to yap my ears off. I 'eld up a hand and told him, 'One of the hunter's worst enemies is shut eyes, because in doing so, he could miss either an opportunity or a threat.'

"After that, I gave him some supplies, and they decided to leave. And in the voyages afterwords, we became good friends. That is 'ow we met. Now, if I am allowed, could you tell me your story of how you and that young man met?"

OH MAH BRICKING GOSH, WE MAY AS WELL WRITE A WHOLE OTHER STORY JUST TO HEAR ABOUT HOW THESE TWO GREAT FRIENDS MET.

*takes a deep breath* It's chock-full of conveniences: Thorskov's group happened to be in the area, Isaac happened to close his eyes, the boat happened to somehow be stealthy so that only ONE SOLITARY PERSON NOTICED. It's just poor writing all-around, and that goes for the wraithclaws' inconsistent accents as well. At least this kinda explains why this one particular squad is fond of humans. Sort of. Perhaps not really, if you think about it too much.

"Sure thing," David said and launched into his adventure. Thorskov was deeply interested, occasionally interrupting with questions, gasps, and exclamations. It seemed at some points the wraithclaw general couldn't stop shaking his head in wonder.

I mean, his adventure was decently interesting, but it was hilariously bad more than anything else.

At the end, Thorskov declared, "You, good sir, have done things most haven't, are smart and don't use it as an excuse to get uppity, and stick to your beliefs. I admire you, even if we've only just encountered each other. And if there's anything I can do to assist you in findin' Warren, just let me know, sir."

Aww, isn't that nice of Mr. Yeti-Knockoff? But seriously, Thorskov might be one of the only decent characters in this story, and that's saying something.

David looked at Thorskov and saw that he was completely concerned and sincere about his promise.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where this project died. I got busy with school, and it fell to the wayside. Now, I actually have more that I wanna say, but I don't have enough time now. Keep your eyes peeled for a post soon that details what I'm going to do with the novel and what new series will take the place of Humble Beginnings.

So what'd you think, not just of this post, but of the series as a whole? Did I have enough sarcasm for your tastes? Are you going to miss these? Any fond memories from them? Let's take a moment to pay respects to the series. RIP Humble Beginnings; press F to pay respects.

Music Monday #33 . . . But on a Wednesday!

Erm . . . this is awkward. I may or may not have totally forgotten to do one of these earlier this week. Better late than never, am I right?

I've got another great song in store for you guys today. (When do I not?)

"Main Theme" from Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

Composed by Tomohito Nishiura

I recently started playing this game, having never before tried one in either of the titular characters' series, and MY. BRICKING. GOSH. It's an absolute joy to play. I've read that it's a bad intro to both the Professor Layton and the Ace Attorney series, and that it's not a very spectacular game. But I'm totally digging it so far.

The plot involves creepy witches (who look like monsters that have those shiver-inducing layered voices), being trapped within the fantasy world of a book, said book chronicling the past, present, and future of this place called Labyrinthia, puzzle-solving, trials . . . Just so much awesome stuff! I'll definitely need to do a full review when I'm finished.

So I think it's fair to say that this music definitely captures the spirit of the game. There's some quiet, intricate moments, but it's more of a grand adventure where danger is imminent and evil is aloof. I believe this song is also played by a live orchestra rather than electronically made like the rest of the soundtrack (which is also amazing, by the way!).

I've listened to this song so often in the past few weeks. Level-5 and Capcom totally nailed the musical style, which fits the game's narrative wonderfully. It's also just a really epic and catchy track, which is always a plus. Go do yourself a favor and listen to more music from this game. Or go play the game. Or do both.

What'd you think of the game's main theme? Have you played this particular title, or any of the Professor Layton and/or Ace Attorney games, for that matter? Did you notice that I was late? Terribly sorry about that.

The Lone Ranger (2013) /// A Movie Review

You probably know by now that I'm a fan of the underdogs in media, such as The LEGO Ninjago Movie and The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. They aren't critically acclaimed or have experienced a falling out, but I love them wholeheartedly. I consider it my duty to share my enthusiasm for them so that others might come to appreciate them as well.

That's where the 2013 film The Lone Ranger comes in.

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Now, I've got three historical periods that I love in books, movies, and games: the feudal era of Japan, the Golden Age of Piracy, and the Wild West. When I saw the trailers for The Lone Ranger (which I'll probably be abbreviating to TLR for simplicity's sake), I was pumped. I hadn't really seen any movies about gunslingers facing off with train chases and epic shootouts. Western movies generally seem to be a thing of the past, so I anticipated a more modern film.

Then I heard that it bombed in the box office and was hated by many, many people. (I also heard some joke about it, but I can't recall it at the moment. Something about it being free on Black Friday and it not even being worth that? I don't quite remember.) I still wanted to watch it, but now I was a bit apprehensive. Was it as bad as people said? The only way to find out was by seeing it for myself.

Warning: potential spoilers ahead!

Plot

John Reid is a lawyer who's coming home. He's joining his brother, Dan, in a group of Texas Rangers, upholding the law on the untamed front. It's not his forte; he prefers to fight in a courtroom, not in the wild desert. But when a search for the infamous Butch Cavendish goes south, John is the only one who comes out alive.

Presumed dead, he must don a mask and become the Lone Ranger, a warrior for justice who operates outside of the Rangers' jurisdiction. With the help of Tonto and the spirit horse, Silver, he goes after Butch and his gang. But there's more going on here than meets the eye, and soon the duo uncover a plot bigger than both of them. They're the only ones who can stop it, but will they when both the law and the outlaws are against them?

Pros

Oh, where to begin? I'm predicting it now: I'm going to be all over the place in praising this film, so please bear with me. Let's start with the plot itself. Is it necessarily new and original? No, not really. But that doesn't mean using the tried-and-true is a bad thing. Sometimes we can get all up in arms because a movie or book doesn't do something we haven't seen yet. Falling back on what's worked before, while still adding your own elements to that, is okay. In fact, media like that can become a comfort movie/book.

What I'm trying to say is that it's fine for the movie to not try something extremely bold or daring. The plot still worked well for the movie, which means it's A-Okay with me. Speaking of the plot, I've heard it said that the runtime felt a little padded. I disagree. I never felt that any one scene was unimportant or too long. They each did what they were supposed to do, so again, no complaints from me. And to be honest, the story-within-a-story got me off-guard, so good for them.

What about the characters? Considering that Armie Hammer hadn't played in many movies beforehand, and this was supposed to be his big break, I think he excelled in his role. He captured the essence of the Lone Ranger perfectly: a man who follows the law without being in it, who refuses the mindset of "shoot to kill." Indeed, neither he nor Tonto directly kill foes, even when given the opportunity. You have to understand, this is coming from a guy who didn't grow up on the radio series and doesn't suffer from what I'd like to call the negative nostalgia syndrome. (In short, that's when fans of something old are always complaining about the new version and talking about how the old one was the best.) So I think Hammer nailed his character and brought some fresh life to him.

The casting of Tonto, however, was quite controversial. People wanted someone who fit that role in the racial sense. Meanwhile, I'm of the opinion that if the actor is good, the race doesn't make that much of a difference to me. I don't know why people don't get that. Take Black Panther, for example. Was it a great movie? Sure, but I wouldn't say it's Marvel's best film. But you see everyone praising it for having such a huge black cast, and I have to wonder how successful the movie would've been had the cast been white. It probably would have made less. That's not me saying I can't have other ethnicities play in movies, but my first question always is, "Can they act well?" not "What race are they?"

A rabbit trail, to be sure, so let's get back to Johnny Depp playing Tonto. I thought it was a perfectly acceptable decision. He's aced every role I've seen him play, and Tonto was no exception. Plus, he's got the best facial expressions, and you can't argue with that unless you're blind, in which case you can't see his face . . . Ahem. Anyway. With his tan and face paint, it didn't matter that he wasn't the proper ethnicity for the part. He still succeeded.

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Other actors and actresses also did well. William Fichtner got the vibe of the cannibalistic Butch right; while I wouldn't say he was as creepy as, say, Heath Ledger's Joker, being a consumer of human flesh makes you pretty darn spooky in my books. Tom Wilkinson was the perfect greedy tycoon. I'm not going to mention everyone else, but I never felt like anyone's acting was sub-par.

Plot and characters are arguably the most vital elements, but you still need a great score. Hans Zimmer delivered, as he always does. Do yourself a favor and listen to TLR soundtrack. Not only does Zimmer keep his signature epic style, but he also gives it a delightful Western flavor. I'd have to say that the ten-minute track, "Finale," takes the cake, as he gives the "William Tell Overture" his treatment. I've read that he apparently used a sledgehammer and an old train engine near his house to create the forward momentum feeling for some of the songs. Basically, Zimmer is always a win.

Everything else, from CGI to the scenery to the cinematography, was wonderful. I never felt pulled out of my immersion by any of the elements in the film. And while I can't recall any really unique camera shots, that doesn't mean the camerawork was bad. I was hooked from the first second to the last.

Cons

How about the fact that it failed so miserably? That's definitely a negative. My cousin explained to me that Disney tends to put a lot of money into marketing select movies they hope will make it big, which are usually the ones that rake in the least amount of cash. TLR was one such film. He also told me that Westerns just aren't popular anymore, and so it was a bad time for it to release.

Hammer also said in an interview (which I read in this article) that critics had been attacking the movie for quite some time, as if determined to see it fail. And seeing as how the masses can have (not always) a general tendency to view critics as the be-all, end-all when it comes to cinematic opinions, the film crashed and burned. Which is completely unfair to me. Critics, who have never made a piece of art in their life, should not determine how well a movie/show/book/game does. Just saying.

As for actual content concerns, there is some swearing, but nothing out of the ordinary for your typical PG-13 film or TV-PG show. John and Tonto visit a brothel to get some information; nothing inappropriate is shown. The only thing we really see is a man try to force a woman to stay seated on his lap; some of the girls' outfits reveal cleavage; and Red, who runs the place, occasionally hikes up her dress on her fake leg so she can use the built-in gun. Rebecca Reid had a previous relationship with John before marrying Dan, but she clearly likes John more, so it's a bit strange until Dan dies and removes any further weirdness. Butch pees into a bucket, and we see him (and the stream) from behind.

Some violence occurs, like two outlaws having their heads crushed (it sounds worse than it looked), and a lot of people being mowed down by machine guns. Comeuppance is served in most spectacular fashions. I don't recall every single death, but there wasn't anything too bad. The worst was--obviously--Butch himself with his cannibalistic tendencies. He licks a knife with blood on it and has taken body parts from others. We see one example of this, when he takes out Dan's heart and bites into it. However, due to the fact that we're watching via a reflection in John's eyes, it's not as uncomfortable as it could've been.

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There's also a general Native American spiritual aspect that comes into play, with John being a supposed spirit walker who can't die in battle, and Silver being a spirit horse. Some more sensitive people might not like this, but I took as just part of the storyworld. Some people might also argue that soldiers are portrayed as being evil, but I never got that sense. It was more of just one corrupt captain trying to save his hide and his men showing loyalty to him. This isn't a fully detailed review, and you can look one up at PluggedIn if you want. I thought it was fairly good all-around, and I certainly had no issues story- or character-wise.

Conclusion

If I were to describe The Lone Ranger in one sentence, I'd say this: it's a Western take on a Pirates of the Caribbean film with characters who have stronger moral backbones. It's got the crazy action, goofy humor, and occasionally over-the-top violence of the Pirates films, while giving our heroes solid morals. John despises guns, but he still wishes to uphold the law. So when he wears the mask of the Lone Ranger, he shoots to wound or disarm. And yes, while some of his actions do result in the death of villains, I never felt that he was doing it for fun or with vengeance in mind. He was simply trying to do the right thing.

This is where I think a lot of old fans--with a lot of negative nostalgia syndrome--have issues. In the old shows, one of the Lone Ranger's codes was to never kill. His bullets were made of silver to keep in the forefront of his mind how valuable life is, and how taking it is not something to be done lightly. So when they watched the 2013 film, they think that the creators have taken that aspect away from him.

I don't see it that way. Life is complex, and not everything can be boiled down to black and white. Should our heroes always be perfect? Are they not allowed to make mistakes? Have we never wished that the justice system was improved? Sometimes we want to take matters into our own hands, which is what John does when he becomes a vigilante. But like Batman, he doesn't want to kill. At the end of the day, he simply wants his loved ones to be protected and the innocent kept safe.

So yes, much of this movie can seem like a fun, summer blockbuster on the surface. But examine it closer, and I think you'll begin to appreciate how Gore Verbinski approached the character that is John Reid and his transformation into the masked man. I hope you'll give The Lone Ranger a chance, because it has a lot to offer you: two and a half hours of enjoyment and laughs with a side of thought-provoking questions if you're willing to do some contemplation.

Well, do you agree or disagree? Have you seen the movie, and if not, why? Have I improved in my movie-reviewing skills since I did Justice League back in December? Do share any and all thoughts!