The song for today is . . .
"Brave Enough (feat. Christina Perri)" from the album Brave Enough
Composed by Lindsey Stirling
I had totally forgotten that this song existed until yesterday, when Tracey chose this album to listen to on our drive to church. It really hit me in the gut, because the lyrics completely fit some things that I've been struggling with lately.
You know by now that I believe vulnerability is the best policy. It shows that I'm human, that I bleed, that I trust you. Recently on Facebook, I talked openly about something I'm mentally wrestling with. Hearing this song reminded me of that, and seeing as not all of you have Facebook, I figured I'd share that post here.
Why does love have to be so goshdarn complicated? They day that nothing good in life comes easily, but that really doesn’t make me feel any better.
In any case, this has revealed one of my big fears to me. I knew about at least one beforehand, and that’s disappointing people. This one is similar: jeopardizing friendships.
Here’s the deal: whether it’s true or not, it’s not hard for me to think that I don’t have many friends. So when I have great friendships, I celebrate ‘em. We were designed for companionship, so it’s natural for us to enjoy them.
This is where the fear part comes in. I’d absolutely hate to do or say something that causes me to have a falling out with a good friend. This happened when I tried to form a relationship with a girl in my college class. Technically, we hadn’t REALLY established a friendship of any sort, but her rejection wrecked me internally for a while. It’s made me… kinda paranoid, in a way.
Now, when I have friends who are girls that I’d consider potentially dating, it terrifies me TO. MY. CORE. Because I’m afraid that I’ll disappoint them, that I’ll jeopardize our friendship.
I’m afraid of rejection.
Looking back, I can see places in my life where there are things that I did or didn’t do because I feared being cast out. Too often have I felt like a loner. I’ve taken many a walk listening to emotional music and imagining what it’d be like to have a friend to walk with.
I’m tired of the fear. I want to conquer it, to act in spite of it, and dare to move.
But my mind gets in the way, picturing those awful outcomes. And so I do nothing but pray that I will find a way of escape.
Here’s the deal: whether it’s true or not, it’s not hard for me to think that I don’t have many friends. So when I have great friendships, I celebrate ‘em. We were designed for companionship, so it’s natural for us to enjoy them.
This is where the fear part comes in. I’d absolutely hate to do or say something that causes me to have a falling out with a good friend. This happened when I tried to form a relationship with a girl in my college class. Technically, we hadn’t REALLY established a friendship of any sort, but her rejection wrecked me internally for a while. It’s made me… kinda paranoid, in a way.
Now, when I have friends who are girls that I’d consider potentially dating, it terrifies me TO. MY. CORE. Because I’m afraid that I’ll disappoint them, that I’ll jeopardize our friendship.
I’m afraid of rejection.
Looking back, I can see places in my life where there are things that I did or didn’t do because I feared being cast out. Too often have I felt like a loner. I’ve taken many a walk listening to emotional music and imagining what it’d be like to have a friend to walk with.
I’m tired of the fear. I want to conquer it, to act in spite of it, and dare to move.
But my mind gets in the way, picturing those awful outcomes. And so I do nothing but pray that I will find a way of escape.
So yeah, this has been eating at me for a while now, but especially so the last couple weeks. I figured that sharing the song would give me a reason to also tell you this stuff. As always, I'm not looking for sympathy. I just want to expose my heart because that's one way to help me process.
Anyway, that's it for me today. I'm sorry if this is a bit of a downer, but it's something I needed to get off my chest. What'd you think of the song? Can you relate to it as well?
I love this song!
ReplyDeleteMy uncle recently recommended to me these videos made by an asian guy where he decided to embrace rejection and challenged himself to a hundred days of it. So he went to people making ridiculous requests just to learn to accept being told no. One example: he asked for a burger refill at a fast food restaurant ;0 If you just google "hundred days of rejection" on youtube they should come up, and there's a playlist of like 103 short videos each one with a day of rejections ;0 Soooo good!
keturahskorner.blogspot.com
I'd never heard this song, but I love it! It's perfect for where I'm at right now.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who's just embarking on her first romantic relationship, I can assure you that most women are just as scared and confused when it comes to these prospects. (When you misread a casual friendship with a guy at church and then he starts sitting on the other side of the sanctuary from you after you mention hanging out...yeah, ouch.) It doesn't necessarily get better when you get into a relationship, either. Getting more serious on one level or another is just as scary a prospect.
Being alone and looking ahead at perhaps years of loneliness is a steep task that can shake anyone. However, God is faithful. He doesn't guarantee us someone to spend our life with other than Him, but He does guarantee He won't leave us. And I know that sounds like small comfort right now, but try to hold onto that as best as you can. I'll be praying for you.
And believe it or not, there are still a lot of women, especially in Christian circles, who like a guy who takes the lead. When he asked me out without being wishy-washy, it was a big positive. That doesn't make your job any less frightening (I'm so glad I'm a woman in this instance!), don't let this one instance discourage you overmuch from being bold.
First of all, this song is absolutely gorgeous. But of COURSE. Lindsey Stirling was involved. Everything she touches turns to gold.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I love how you ARE open and honest. That's something I often fail to be. I've totally become a master at pretending everything is always perfectly fine which...erm...is probably NOT an ideal way to live. XD
But anyways, I know where you're coming from! It's so, sooo hard to go out there and seek friends and not know what the outcome will be. Or to be almost 30 and not have a single person even consider asking you out. *cough, COUGH* Ahem. We won't get into THAT.
I think the main thing you're talking about is friendships, yes? What I've learned is if you say one little thing that jeopardizes a friendships, that person who would walk away so fast wasn't worth your time ANYWAY. We should NOT have to walk on glass around our friends. And if we DO, then, truthfully, we may be better off without them. Friendships are based on authenticity. On being open and ourselves and knowing we're human but loving the person anyway. Loving the person BECAUSE of their humanness! Is it hard to find people who live that way? Yes. But is it worth it to get hurt some by shallow people to FIND that person? YES. So, so worth it.
It's taken me yeeeears, and I'm STILL learning, but I've found I am SO much happier just being myself all the time. Because I used to...not always be myself. But these days I embrace the insanity that is Christine fully. XD And if a person doesn't like who I am? Well, I'll move on. Better that than to be fake and careful and have shallow relationships.
God created you exactly how He wanted you to be. He doesn't want you to be afraid and hide yourself. You have an amazing purpose on this earth, and He will bring you the right people at the right time.
Don't be afraid to be your awesome self! If someone doesn't like it then...well. They have problems!